We listen every day (more or less), and yet we often don’t really know what actually happens.
Listening has these aspects: How I listen to you, how you listen to me, and what happens between us in the relational space.
When I tune in to you and at the same time, I tune in to myself, do I have enough inner space and resonance to feel and contain you? I should be aware of this.
The next question is, on what basis do you listen to me? Do you have free inner space, or are you busy with your inner process of what is happening in your life?
We should be aware of the space – the inner readiness from which we hear. If we have little inner availability for listening in the moment, we can communicate this in dialogue. By doing that we already create more space and make transparent to the other what is going on in us right now. This often avoids tension and friction in contact.
When giving feedback it is very important to clearly perceive what is happening in my own inner space. If I am emotionally triggered myself, then it is good to talk about myself and not to express my own inner turmoil as feedback.
We have the basic rule in Transparent Communication: when we are triggered by what we hear, we have to talk about ourselves first. For example, “If I listen to you, I get angry.” The important thing is to send out ego-messages and stay with yourself. Don’t give feedback when you are triggered.
So, the first step is to check: am I open, distant or closed? Can I open up and really listen to you? Can my energetic space resonate with you?
If that’s not the case because I’m experiencing a strong inner process myself, it’s fair to share that in dialogue, or in the triad in the exercises of Transparent Communication. It is important to let others know what is going on in us when it affects the quality of the exercise or the communication in that moment.
The Space Between Us
There is the relationship space. In the space that happens between us, there is not only empty air, but a lot of information. For our communication it is important to perceive whether someone is withdrawing from this space or whether we are completely present and relaxed so that we can have flowing conversations. And whether we are able to communicate an intimate moment.
Contact is the data connection – the flow of communication flows through the quality of that contact.
When someone withdraws from the communication process, you can see it because the energy field becomes narrower. For example, if someone is in a process and touches a trauma, we can see the symptoms of it in the relationship space. Then I can perceive how the space between us changes.
It is very important to learn this differentiation: how am I doing and how am I connected to you?
The first thing is to perceive my own inner space. I need to know what is happening inside me.
Secondly, I am aware of what happens between us by giving space in which the other person can speak, and I become a resonance body as a listener. This means that, moment by moment, I can perceive the subtle changes in my inner space, which are reflected in me by the information from the communication. Through training this information becomes clearer and clearer.
When I speak, I am like the guitar side and you are the resonating body. I send out vibration and energy, and you are the space that resonates. The interaction between consciousness, space and energy, the experience that takes place in it, determines whether it is a conscious or unconscious process.